LA Story

Last weekend we all went to Serena’s 40th birthday party in LA.

Serena is a glamorous, Hitchock-esque, East Coast blonde.  She has friends flying in from all corners and everyone is super-excited.   I pull out my Bottega Venetta dress bought specially for the occasion (on super-sale in case Beloved is reading this).  I realize, too late, in the throes of finding the perfect dress, I’d convinced myself the five pounds I had to lose to make it fit would definitely be gone by party time.  Weirdly, they were still there.  As I’m nearing the 1/2 hour mark of doing deep-knee bends to stretch out my fancy dress, Beloved finally says he will just meet me downstairs at the party.

The dress stretching takes so long that by the time I make my entrance the party is in full-swing.  We start to find our places at one of two elegantly set long tables.  I see most of my friends from San Francisco have been seated at the far table.  They are already deep in conversation, laughing uproariously and feeling very close to one another.  I head off to my table where everyone’s dress fits, everyone lives in LA and they all seem to know each other.  No matter, I think to myself.  I am a grown woman who is a writer of Romance Novels.  I sit down, and since the LA girl to my right is deep in conversation, I turn to my left.  The back that confronts me seems very settled…almost made of stone.  I can’t imagine this back ever moving, changing positions or even breathing.  It has gone so far as to move the chair so the chair’s back is to me.  My heart starts to race a little bit and I peek back to my right.  The adorable LA girl has her partner in hysterics!  He has gripped her hand for support he is so helpless with laughter.  He is transfixed.  Wild horses couldn’t divert his attention.  I look around desperately.   Aaahhh.  Help.  I see Beloved is seated nearby and even though I will have to screech to be heard, I know he will not leave me here gasping for life.  Except…for a man that can barely be bothered to say hello when he answers the phone, he appears deep in conversation.  He is staring into the eyes of a beautiful LA blonde with a plunging neckline (that he is trying very hard not to look at, but I can tell is).  He is nodding with his eyes closed as if to say, “yes, I’ve often felt exactly that way myself, I understand perfectly what you are saying to me.”   m____r f____r!  So instead, I fall back on the old left-out-in-the-cold-at-a-dinner-party standby.  Settling myself with an expression of absolute comfort as if to say, “whew, finally a break from all this tiring conversation!  I will just take a little rest here at the table until I am ready to join again this welcoming group of friends around me”.  I sit this way for quiiiite a while.  My cheeks are beginning to hurt from holding my comfortable smile for so long.  I look at The Back which hasn’t budged an inch.  There will be no relief coming from that corner, so I turn to my right.  The adorable LA  girl sits back in her seat, and whom do I see sitting next to her but Don Johnson!  Being a girl who grew up in 80’s Florida, this is not insignificant.  Plus, the fact that I’ve been drinking like a stupid smiling sailor for the last twenty minutes makes me decide it is time for action.  I lunge across adorable LA girl, spilling my wine on her perfectly fitting dress, and shriek, “Don Johnson, you changed the face of Florida forever!!!!” It was a little louder than I intended.  Even Beloved turns with a disapproving stare before nestling his head back in his dinner partner’s bosom.  Don Johnson, not expecting this onslaught, appears rather startled, but he is no amateur.  He gathers himself and smiles a rather handsome smile.  “Why thank you, that’s very kind of you to say.”  “Oh yesh…I mean yes! (how long was I comfortably smiling and drinking??)  I mush tell you I’m acshully from Floorda myshelf”.  After a little pause Don Johnson replies, “That’s terribly interesting, but you do understand I’m not really from Florida”.   “ Sh’not poshible!!...you mush be one helluva actor!”  

Beloved, finally forced from his breast-induced reverie rouses himself and comes around the table to ask me to dance.  I reluctantly leave Don while looking accusingly at Beloved.  “Shwush in the middle of vurry imporant convershashon with Sonny…I mean Don.”  Beloved, being the gentleman he is, says, “I know darling, but you looked so cute sitting there in your tight ass dress, sloshing wine and slurring I just couldn’t resist…”

 

Comments

[Sara Sterling]

I just laughed so hard my mojito went up my nose!

[Sara Sterling]

BTW - who was "the back"?? Anyone noteworthy??

[maryam in marrakech]

My nine-year old son just asked me what I was laughing about:-)

[Paula]

You are writing my story!! Laughing out loud here. Your Beloved sent your blog to my Beloved, thinking I would enjoy it. Love it! Looking forward to the next one. xopaula

[zack9900]

Deja vu??

[Kristen]

I'm finally catching up with all of your blogs and you are hilarious! You're very, very good at this! :)

[electronic cigarettes]

Don Johnson

[Ty Bouchard]

Wendy suggested this blog. I enjoyed it and really love the style you write.