Car Accident

Weary with the paralyzing pressure of being a stay-at-home mom and being pulled this way and that, I make things worse by getting in a car accident.  I am pretty sure it’s not my fault because the car in front of me…that I rear-ended… appeared straight out of thin air.  The very angry Russian fellow that leaps with agile grace out of his car screaming and gesticulating wildly appears to think it was my fault.  I look frantically around and spot a group of construction workers across the street.  Luckily, there are some things in life one can always depend upon and one of them is the construction worker code of conduct.  Therefore, in a stand-off between a very angry Russian fellow and a girl…the girl wins, regardless of age, clothing or whether or not she brushed her hair that day.

Not familiar with being in the right in car-related situations, I ask the construction workers if they are sure it was the Russian fellow’s fault…that I rear-ended him.  “”Yup…saw the whole thing.  Dude’s fault.”  I ask them to please stay close as the Russian fellow seems to be totally losing control, and I’m not sure what he’s capable of.  I’m surprised to find I have developed a Southern accent as I say this and am starting to enjoy the attention.  They all watch (my ass) as I walk away, and I think how sad it is that construction workers aren’t always treated with the respect they deserve.  I approach the angry Russian having acquired a sexy little stroll and a bit of an attitude after my encounter with the construction workers.  I lose this attitude f-a-a-a-irly quickly as the Russian’s anger confronts me.  I guess generations of having to deal with Cossacks, Stalin and government-sanctioned art have really honed their ability to get mad.  I put my hand up to stop the tirade and say indignantly, “I am sorry suh, but stoppin’ dead in thu middle of thu road with no warnin’ is just plain dangerhus!”  Damn, I forgot to lose the Southern accent and it doesn’t appear to be going down well with the Russian.  He responds with something along the lines of, “You stupid hick! I was trying to park and you careened right into the back of my car!” except in a scary Russian accent.  I look back at my construction worker friends, but they seem very busy with their bacon and egg sandwiches.  I have to calm the Russian down and exchange “information” all in a Southern accent which I now feel obliged to stick with or risk looking flaky.

Finally a police officer arrives but says she has no jurisdiction and is there to help only if someone is injured…are either of us injured?  I promptly say, “No ma’am, ahm jes fine.”  The lesbian police officer looks like she could happily slap me silly, as the suddenly very fragile sounding Russian says, while rubbing his neck, that he’s just not sure.  He looks around in a dazed manner.  Do we mind if he just sits down on the sidewalk for a minute?  “What?!  You were totally fine not two minutes ago!” I scream, losing my Southern charm.  “Ma’am, please calm down and stop harassing this man, or I’ll have to issue you a citation” the lesbian says self-righteously.  “But he’s lying!”  I scream.  My inner racist comes storming out as I scream to the Russian, “This is what’s wrong with your country in the first place!!”  That stops all of us in our tracks as none of us are quite sure what I mean.  The lesbian is the first to recover, “at any rate ma’am, this will be looked into by your respective insurance companies and I’m sure once the facts are in” she says, whilst beadily eyeing the front seat of my car where my recently discarded coffee cup, mascara wand and cell phone sit in full indicting view, “I’m sure a settlement can be agreed upon.” 

The Russian is now prone on the sidewalk, gently moaning and mumbling something about soft tissue damage.  I am outraged by the injustice and look back at my fair-weather construction worker friends who have had a burst of initiative and are jack-hammering, painting and drilling to beat the band.  The lesbian officer has her citation book and pen at the ready and is looking at me hopefully.  I give her a withering look and march haughtily back to my car.  After struggling a few minutes to get my car door to shut I drive the clattering Volvo away in what I hope is a dignified yet ominous you-haven’t-heard-the-last-of-me manner.  I look in my rear view mirror to see their reaction.  The police officer is very gently helping the now extremely fragile and aged Russian to his feet.  “The gall…WHA..!!!!”  I screech to a stop after missing by inches a car stopped at the Stop sign in front of us.  The very angry Nicaraguan woman jumps from her car, screaming at me in Spanish whilst pointing to the “Baby on Board” sign on her window.  I take a tentative look back and see the police officer striding…jogging really…toward me flipping through her citation book like mad with a look of pure joy on her face.  

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental...really.

Comments

[W.L.S.]

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

I want your handbag.

[W.L.S.]

I can't wait to see how long it takes for that wearisome NYTimes woman to write about a car accident.

[EDNOS-SF]

How can you be sure she was a lesbian?

[NY girlfriend]

hilarious! vs (W.L.S., you are spot on) Styles section author...a column of no consequence

[E cig review]

I think she was on the butch side.

[katie]

Oh, this made me laugh out loud. Driving IS stressful, especially when you're trying to find the right track on your iPhone and finagle the wire thingy so it plays through the car speakers, not just the phone, and your dog is trying to climb in the front seat, etc. etc.

I just started reading "Notting Hell," by Rachel Johnson, and I want to recommend it to you. Her writing style reminds me a bit of yours, and the story is about the comings and goings of people who don't totally take themselves seriously...I think you might like it.

[Hudson]

My beloved just rear ended a car as well. The cause of the accident ... his texting! He swears he'll stop. Good thing he drives a Prius and the car has perfect brakes and perfect acceleration.

[Shani]

That looks like the front seat of my car on an "organized" day. LOL!

[car accident lawyer west palm beach]

Looks like you're accident prone and a police and foreigner magnet. Those men who are easily get mad don't live long. No cases filed, that's good. Very nice and by the way, I was carried away, your note at the end, the story happened or not?

-craig

[Costa Rica Condo For Sale]

My friend recently got into a car accident and it has made me want to
get a safer car.

I'd like to know what cars have received an NHTSA 5-star rating for
both front and side impact tests. Not all cars have been rated by the
NHTSA, so equivalent top-score ratings from European agencies (such as
euroncap.com) are OK too.

I'm interested in cars manufactured between 1996 and 2003. For each
car, I'd like the year, make, model, and URL to supporting evidence.

Thanks!

[cerebritis]

I am working on an application and need to understand how car rental companies move their cars from one location to another when there are too many cars left by customers at one location. One way is to give dirt cheap one way rental offers to customers originating some specific location. However, I am trying to understand do they use auto transport companies to do this for them? If yes how much business auto transporters get one average from such scenarios?

Also, do car rental companies have some sort of contracts with auto transporters saying they will move rental cars always or on demand basis?

Thanks for your time!

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i like this part of the blog:"The Russian is now prone on the sidewalk, gently moaning and mumbling something about soft tissue damage" is very good

[oakland accident lawyer]

Nowadays, we are facing a lot of crimes, accidents and tragedies and it's so sad because sometimes, we try to avoid them but if it's your fate to be in that kind of situation, then there's nothing we could do about that. But well, the only thing that we can do is pray that we will be safe everyday, including our families and our loved ones also. And just to be careful in everything that we do because these times are getting harder than it was before.

[car repair Indianapolis IN]

In this kind of situation, both parties must calm down. No one wants this to happen. Every driver must also keep in mind their responsibilities. On driving, you must avoid doing such unnecessary activity like texting, because for sure it will disturb your concentration. Most of all, every driver must check their engine and breaks before they travel. So they'll keep themselves safe!

[Tracy Pierre]

LOL! If this is all true, then it must have been the worst day of your life! Hehehe. Anyway, it was so entertaining! This is written very creatively. At first I thought those construction workers would back you up and defend you against the Russian guy.

[structured settlement]

Thank you for sharing this post. I found it interesting and informative. My car was rear ended as well, causing me severe neck pain. I was able to obtain a structured settlement for the injuries I sustained.