Couples Massage

My husband is super cute and I love him and everything…but he’s never been the “sit in the bath with candles lit” kind.  Any sort of contrived romantic gestures makes him nervous and he ends up yelling that he is, “not the role-playing type!!”  Frankly, I sort of agree.  Words like “make-love” make me want to gag.  In fact, neither of us can say the words, “make love” without dragging out the vowels (maaake looooooove) and swaying our bodies around.  I know that makes us sound immature and not very sexy, but there it is.

Having said that, Beloved has been known to make the odd romantic-gesture.  When he IM’d me and said he was going to cash in our certificate for a free two night stay at a romantic spa in Napa and if the baby-sitter didn’t cost too much I could go with him, I knew I better jump on it (he denies he asked me like that, but…).  I start to get excited as the day approaches.  Beloved and I haven’t been away alone for a while now.  As I pack all my pretty “weekend away with my husband” gear, I think I could consider sitting in a bathtub with him with candles lit (although the thought makes me laugh a little bit). 

The day finally arrives with both of us feeling a lot of pressure to be super loving and romantic, so we decide to get in a fight to ease the stress.  Luckily, I booked the babysitter for the wrong time allowing Beloved to be self-righteously irate.  We drive away with the two little ones hanging out the upstairs windows, waving scissors and drinking out of bottles that look suspiciously like cleaning-materials.  Oldest (temporary babysitter) is in the basement playing X-box with earphones on.  I re-group and retaliate by pointing out how easy it is to do everything right when one has only oneself to worry about!  I would also be efficient and responsible if I didn’t have to take care of 4 other people as well as myself!! (that is not strictly true as I really wasn’t much better when I was single, but Beloved doesn’t know that!)  Finally, with the fight out of the way, and aaaaabsolutely no expectations of romantic gestures, we begin to actually enjoy ourselves.

We arrive at the spa/hotel and are greeted with a hot towel, a weird drink and VERY effusive staff.  That is saying a lot coming from me.  Beloved refers to me and my family as, “The Gushers.”  You may well imagine Beloved has never “gushed” a day in his life.  The staff all personally introduce themselves, then inquire if our, “drive up was FANTASTIC?!”  We start to answer, but they carry on irrepressibly, “Isn’t it a GLORIOUS day?!  You have picked the absolute BEST weekend to visit us!!”  We feel a little clever at this and begin to murmur modestly that luck had a little something to do w… “NOT to say that EVERY day is not an INCREDIBLE day in The Napa Valley!!”  No, no (at this point only I am answering) that goes without being said, obviously.  I look at Beloved and realize I better get him out of this situation before it starts to go downhill.

After kissing, hugging and promising to get together again soon with the staff, we finally arrive at our room.  It is lovely.  Beloved and I adamantly refuse to acknowledge the candles scattered strategically about, but we both notice the bathtub is made to accommodate two people (with the faucet being placed in the middle).  I think this adds unnecessary stress and think about saying so on the “comments are welcome” form left by my bedside.

While Beloved makes us both a stiff Gin and Tonic (yes, yes, I know we’re in “The Napa Valley”!)  I book the “couples massage” that came with our two night package.  I’m not sure where I stand on “couples massage.”  Knowing us, like I do, I just can’t feel entirely comfortable with the idea, however, free is free so I book us a pre-dinner massage.

The massage room has two beds just close enough to maybe hold hands (if that’s what we’re meant to do) but not without our arms getting tired.  I’m not sure what is supposed to be sexy or romantic about this, but I take comfort in the fact that if I am confused Beloved is downright miserable.  He grumbles non-stop about the whole set-up…that is until the two masseuses enter the picture.  They introduce themselves as Karina and Magda.  It is immediately apparent who is getting who.  Beloved looks Karina in the eye and addresses himself only to her, leaving me with the very capable-looking, mustachioed Magda.  “Now, is there any area that needs special attention?” Karina asks in her sweet Swedish accent.  “Why yes there is actually.  My lower back…yes yes right there.  Mmmm that’s nice…”  Meanwhile, with no further ado, or questions regarding needs I might have the very Russian, Gulag-trained Magda begins going to town on my poor unsuspecting body.  It is all I can do not to cry out in pain, but it seems wrong to interrupt the special bond that is forming between Beloved and Karina.  Neither of them bother to lower their voices and there is nothing in their demeanor to show they have any awareness of the torture being inflicted not two feet away from them.  After Karina has determined that yes, in fact Beloved does work-out and she communicates to him that, ah, she thought as much, I begin to hope the conversation might slow down or at least lower its pitch to where someone somewhere will hear my quiet whimpers of pain.  Sadly, that is not to be my fate.  At one point, I think their conversation may have come to an end, but at that exact moment Magda whips off my towel, tosses me over, using only one arm and slaps a super hot towel on my face.  In the split second before the towel scalds my corneas I realize two things.  One, Magda clearly does not take advantage of the excellent depilatory services the spa offers, and Two, the reason it is so quiet is Karina is now on the bed, crouching over Beloved in a position that renders speaking difficult.  The last thing I remember before blacking out is Magda murmuring that all some people really need is a little time with a medicine ball…

When I come to I find Beloved smoking a cig… all right all right!  I find Beloved in post-massage bliss.  I lay on the bed, moaning quietly waiting for him to come to my aid.  I keep waiting.  Finally, I eek out a tiny, "help."  Beloved sighs heavily then says, “Honey, do you mind keeping it down just a bit?  The post-massage rest is really my favorite part.”          

Comments

[serena]

I reread and reread and I keep missing the part about Micki taking youngest to the doctor while you were gushing around Napa.

[Ednos]

So did you maaaaaake loooooove?

[Kim Bachmann]

Oh Serena...you and your wicked wit

[Serena]

Your blog is hysterical! I could relate to just about everything!
So fun to read other bay area blogs!

[sophie]

hilarious!! i look forward to every post. But I think this one and the one where you're husband dared to suggest perhaps you should do the housework are the best... my only complaint is that you don't write enough posts- we need one every monday because it always cheers up my day. keep up the great work!

[MaryBeth]

I am laughing out loud. This is so funny, thanks for the imagery.

[Delores]

I died laughing at this! I don't think I could ever get my husband to agree on a couple's massage! Actually, I don't think I want to either! Hope you enjoyed the rest of your stay in Napa. It's fun reading another Bay Area blog--I look forward to your posts. You are seriously a very funny woman! --Delores

[Whitney]

Hilarious!

[NY girlfriend]

Aahhh hhaaa, is that you & Beloved? i think i recognize his famous "full head of hair"!

[Karena]

Sooo funny. One of my boyfriends trying to get in good with me, and pretending to be romantic, took me for a couples massage. He later said he felt like he was in a mausoleum. darkly lit, the essence, etc.

Karena

Art by Karena

[zack9900]

aaahhhaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa!!!!!! I have nothing further to add.

[annechovie]

LOL. I feel the same way about the contrived romance bit. People can get so cheesy and cliche about things sometimes. Like long-stem red roses on valentines....gag...Everyone needs to just be themselves and let go of the false expectations and enjoy what IS, whether their guy is "traditionally" romantic or not. Great post and thanks for your kind and supportive comments. Have a great weekend! xx

[irenie]

your blogs make me smile!
Carry on!

[Hudson]

Best one yet. Fantastique! and Tres Romantique

[Tendai Melhuish]

It's been a while since I laughed until I cried.....

[Michele]

ha ha ha!!

[Old Friend from Aspen]

You still say Super alot ha ha and beloved still doesn't have a speck of gray hair?? Isn't he lucky???

[Kim Bachmann]

Ha.  Does have some gray, but at least lots of super good hair... :)

[Von Andalora]

Haha, that's pretty funny. At least your Beloved got some post-massage bliss in that romantic spa trip. That massage you got would benefit your health, as it hammered out the stress in you.

[Anton Houskeeper]

Heeh, I'm still laughing at your story! Boys do find it a bit uncomfortable to go for a massage. Haha! But that's a bonding time well-spent for the both of you. Relationships need bonding moments like this from time to time.