I feel shaken,
confused and really hungry. When did
this happen?! I’m pretty sure I use to
be a person who ate meals. But then again, I use to be
a lot of things, didn’t I. I conjure up
an image of myself before my life of servitude to my family began. Beautiful, super skinny, long dark hair, a smokin’
hot rack, ton of tattoos…no, no…that’s Angelina Jolie. Anyway, you get my point! The years have taken their toll on me
physically and mentally. Where do we women get our eating issues from? When in doubt of where my various bad habits developed
from I typically blame my mother. Now…I
am sure it is her fault, but how exactly? hhmmm….yes…yes….THAT’S IT! I have a vivid image of her smoking
cigarettes, drinking Tab and being THIN!
I shake my head at her blatant disregard for my burgeoning female brain,
ripe for picking up mixed messages about female sexuality and body image (could
my crippling procrastination be because she drank Tab and smoked
cigarettes??? No, best not push my
luck).
Now that I’ve decided
this eating thing is no fault of mine I still must decide how best to deal with
it. I realize I have been trying to deal
with it in one form or another for years.
When my sister and I gained our “freshmen 5” we realized we couldn’t drink
and eat and maintain our svelte
figures, so we decided eating must go.
Sadly, my sister went a little
too far with the premise (as she
occasionally does), so we were forced to drop that regime. Most of my friends are like me, no serious
issues, but thoughts of food and how not to eat it takes up a disproportionate
amount of our time. I decide to gather
them together, have a round table discussion and try to get to the bottom of
the situation.
With my friends
gathered around, drinking Tabs and smoking cigarettes (I inadvertently
mentioned it worked for my mother) we launch into our various issues with food. Micki, taking a huge slug
of Tab then blowing a perfect smoke ring, confesses her mother is beautiful,
thin and has an engaging personality…I think she need go NO further! Poor Micki.
Barb, feeling faint
from her Blueprint Cleanse, (the cleanse doesn’t allow Tab therefore she is
chain smoking so as not to fall behind the rest of us) says maybe we weren’t
meant to eat food at all. She brings up an
Indian man that supposedly hasn’t eaten for years and seems to be doing just
fine. We ignore Barb and suspect she may
be hallucinating from lack of food.
However, we are pretty sure we recognize the presence of a mother’s
influence lurking beneath it all.
Angelica then says
something that, quite frankly, blows our minds. “I was recently introduced to a rather alternative doctor” she whispers. “Aaahhh” we reply in unison. Now she’s speaking our language. There is nothing more exciting than the word “alternative”. “Now prepare yourselves!” “Yes yes!
Go on!” we cry. “Well…he says it is all a matter of…calorie
intake and energy output!” “Wha…??!!...The
FRAUD…He’s a monster!...His license should be revoked!...Is he even a medical
doctor?!” Our outrage is
overwhelming. Finally I say, “Listen Angelica,
we are trying to have a serious conversation here. It is all well and good to try these
“alternative” whims of yours, but really, let’s try to keep it within the realm
of common-sense! Suitably chastened Angelica
lowers her eyes and nods in agreement.
We never really
come to any hard conclusions other than we’re pretty sure our eating issues are
our mother’s faults, and Tab is really disgusting. What I have decided to do is something a
little crazy, some would even say alternative.
I am going to sit down with my family at every meal, serve myself food and
eat it. I know! Crazy!
So fun!! Love it all!
Giveaway by Beth Cosner Designs is up on my site. Come visit and do spread the word!!
Karena
Art by Karena
Posted by: Karena | May 17, 2010 at 09:40 AM
Having NO food in the house can backfire when one's teenage son and 3 friends show up after practice. Raw unsalted almonds, gluten-free rice crackers and smoked salmon are clearly not considered food - they promptly left and went to 7-11!
Posted by: Ednos | May 17, 2010 at 10:47 AM
So funny. Sadly I have only gotten heavier since not eating meals and only drinking diet soda. Maybe I too need to rethink this!
Posted by: MaryBeth | May 17, 2010 at 11:35 AM
Tab was different back then...I remember buying an entire case ( big deal when I was 15) when the company announced the switch to nutrisweet from saccharin. It was never the same again + my 3 a day habit dwindled!
Posted by: SF_reader | May 17, 2010 at 11:36 AM
It really is a pity that the eat less & exercise more thing seems to be the only way. I just hate it when things are easy like that.
Posted by: Alan | May 17, 2010 at 04:19 PM
Hilarious! Do they even sell Tab anymore?
I must know where you got your outdoor chinoiserie bench in the background....I need it! Do tell...
Posted by: Cynthia | May 17, 2010 at 05:38 PM
I've also looked into the Eat Right For Your Blood Type diet...now there's a real doozy of a theory. I am O+ the oldest blood type, like the Neanderthal ladies...hunters and gatherers. So, I should eat nothing too fancy, keep it simple. That means just meat and fish (not the prehistoric kind but you get the idea). Not even that many veggies are o.k., like carrots are a no no, I guess the Neanderthals didn't eat them. They walked right over the tops and didn't know there was anything growing in the soil. I think it might be o.k. if I gathered nuts and berries from the Presidio next to my house. That'd be the best. And I guess the gathering would be considered exercise so that would be a plus. No coffee or alcohol for me, sadly the Neanderthal's didn't have much fun or have to get up early to get there kids to school. Anyway, I didn't get too far on this diet; one can find a cheap copy of the book at the Town School Clothes Closet.
Posted by: Angelica | May 17, 2010 at 09:37 PM
I have "rediscovered" Fresca and believe it is a diuretic.
I blame this on Caddyshack.
Posted by: belovedblogger | May 18, 2010 at 05:44 AM
Thin: I travel to New Orleans for a few weeks, seeking my pleasures offline (the culture their accommodates), returning to find "the saga" presumably concluded - and *Poof* - scrubbed. Thin indeed.
Skinny: I seek an alternative (any tingling?) universe, where I will be invited to share in the knowledge. Impatiently I waited for it, and now I bow low, simply seeking - the skinny.
Suggestion: Archive TYFA onto a thumb drive (quaintly inscribed 'Mother') for Youngest, Middle and Oldest to present to any therapist should the need arise. Beloved will appreciate the dramatic savings. (Meant to amuse, not harm.)
Posted by: Kingsley Amarcord | May 19, 2010 at 02:08 PM
Wait....Fresca is a diuretic?!
Posted by: WLS | May 20, 2010 at 04:10 PM