Eating Food

Youngest and I were having a nice conversation about the lunch program at his school.  It is really good.  Mostly organic, mostly local and the children mostly like it.  Youngest has learned so much!  He says it teaches them what real food looks like, tastes like, where it comes from, “and” he says excitedly wiping away the crumbs from his Chips-Ahoy-stuffed-with-Goldfish sandwich, “it makes you prefer healthy food!”  He pauses and looks at me curiously as something occurs to him.  “Mommy, why don’t you ever eat…you know…food?”  “What!” I cry, mouth full of Middle’s pancake remains leftover from breakfast.  I stop fishing in the compost bin for Oldest’s leftover bacon that I’m pretty sure I saw him throw in earlier and present my “you are obviously confused, but mommy will clear it up for you” expression.  I grab my 9^th cup of coffee of the morning and walk over to the kitchen table.  “Darling, of course Mommy eats food.  She eats food all the gosh-darn time!”  I give him a friendly little push to show that I know he is being silly, but I take no offense.  “You eat stuff but you don’t eat what we eat” he answers me un-swayed.

I feel shaken, confused and really hungry.  When did this happen?!  I’m pretty sure I use to be a person who ate meals.  But then again, I use to be a lot of things, didn’t I.  I conjure up an image of myself before my life of servitude to my family began.  Beautiful, super skinny, long dark hair, a smokin’ hot rack, ton of tattoos…no, no…that’s Angelina Jolie.  Anyway, you get my point!  The years have taken their toll on me physically and mentally.  Where do we women get our eating issues from?  When in doubt of where my various bad habits developed from I typically blame my mother.  Now…I am sure it is her fault, but how exactly?  hhmmm….yes…yes….THAT’S IT!  I have a vivid image of her smoking cigarettes, drinking Tab and being THIN!  I shake my head at her blatant disregard for my burgeoning female brain, ripe for picking up mixed messages about female sexuality and body image (could my crippling procrastination be because she drank Tab and smoked cigarettes???   No, best not push my luck). 

  Now that I’ve decided this eating thing is no fault of mine I still must decide how best to deal with it.  I realize I have been trying to deal with it in one form or another for years.  When my sister and I gained our “freshmen 5” we realized we couldn’t drink and eat and maintain our svelte figures, so we decided eating must go.  Sadly, my sister went a little  too far with the premise (as she occasionally does), so we were forced to drop that regime.  Most of my friends are like me, no serious issues, but thoughts of food and how not to eat it takes up a disproportionate amount of our time.  I decide to gather them together, have a round table discussion and try to get to the bottom of the situation.    

With my friends gathered around, drinking Tabs and smoking cigarettes (I inadvertently mentioned it worked for my mother) we launch into our various issues with food.  Micki, taking a huge slug of Tab then blowing a perfect smoke ring, confesses her mother is beautiful, thin and has an engaging personality…I think she need go NO further!  Poor Micki.

Barb, feeling faint from her Blueprint Cleanse, (the cleanse doesn’t allow Tab therefore she is chain smoking so as not to fall behind the rest of us) says maybe we weren’t meant to eat food at all.  She brings up an Indian man that supposedly hasn’t eaten for years and seems to be doing just fine.  We ignore Barb and suspect she may be hallucinating from lack of food.  However, we are pretty sure we recognize the presence of a mother’s influence lurking beneath it all.

Angelica then says something that, quite frankly, blows our minds.  “I was recently introduced to a rather alternative doctor” she whispers.  “Aaahhh” we reply in unison.  Now she’s speaking our language.  There is nothing more exciting than the word “alternative”.  “Now prepare yourselves!”  “Yes yes!  Go on!” we cry.  “Well…he says it is all a matter of…calorie intake and energy output!”  “Wha…??!!...The FRAUD…He’s a monster!...His license should be revoked!...Is he even a medical doctor?!”  Our outrage is overwhelming.  Finally I say, “Listen Angelica, we are trying to have a serious conversation here.  It is all well and good to try these “alternative” whims of yours, but really, let’s try to keep it within the realm of common-sense!  Suitably chastened Angelica lowers her eyes and nods in agreement.

We never really come to any hard conclusions other than we’re pretty sure our eating issues are our mother’s faults, and Tab is really disgusting.  What I have decided to do is something a little crazy, some would even say alternative.  I am going to sit down with my family at every meal, serve myself food and eat it.  I know!  Crazy!           

Comments

[Karena]

So fun!! Love it all!

Giveaway by Beth Cosner Designs is up on my site. Come visit and do spread the word!!

Karena

Art by Karena

[Ednos]

Having NO food in the house can backfire when one's teenage son and 3 friends show up after practice. Raw unsalted almonds, gluten-free rice crackers and smoked salmon are clearly not considered food - they promptly left and went to 7-11!

[MaryBeth]

So funny. Sadly I have only gotten heavier since not eating meals and only drinking diet soda. Maybe I too need to rethink this!

[SF_reader]

Tab was different back then...I remember buying an entire case ( big deal when I was 15) when the company announced the switch to nutrisweet from saccharin. It was never the same again + my 3 a day habit dwindled!

[Alan]

It really is a pity that the eat less & exercise more thing seems to be the only way. I just hate it when things are easy like that.

[Cynthia]

Hilarious! Do they even sell Tab anymore?

I must know where you got your outdoor chinoiserie bench in the background....I need it! Do tell...

[Angelica]

I've also looked into the Eat Right For Your Blood Type diet...now there's a real doozy of a theory. I am O+ the oldest blood type, like the Neanderthal ladies...hunters and gatherers. So, I should eat nothing too fancy, keep it simple. That means just meat and fish (not the prehistoric kind but you get the idea). Not even that many veggies are o.k., like carrots are a no no, I guess the Neanderthals didn't eat them. They walked right over the tops and didn't know there was anything growing in the soil. I think it might be o.k. if I gathered nuts and berries from the Presidio next to my house. That'd be the best. And I guess the gathering would be considered exercise so that would be a plus. No coffee or alcohol for me, sadly the Neanderthal's didn't have much fun or have to get up early to get there kids to school. Anyway, I didn't get too far on this diet; one can find a cheap copy of the book at the Town School Clothes Closet.

[belovedblogger]

I have "rediscovered" Fresca and believe it is a diuretic.

I blame this on Caddyshack.

[Kingsley Amarcord]

Thin: I travel to New Orleans for a few weeks, seeking my pleasures offline (the culture their accommodates), returning to find "the saga" presumably concluded - and *Poof* - scrubbed. Thin indeed.

Skinny: I seek an alternative (any tingling?) universe, where I will be invited to share in the knowledge. Impatiently I waited for it, and now I bow low, simply seeking - the skinny.

Suggestion: Archive TYFA onto a thumb drive (quaintly inscribed 'Mother') for Youngest, Middle and Oldest to present to any therapist should the need arise. Beloved will appreciate the dramatic savings. (Meant to amuse, not harm.)

[WLS]

Wait....Fresca is a diuretic?!