My friends have been so helpful during our reversal of fortune. They listen to my endless tales of woe and give me endless pep talks; they tell me that everything happens for a reason and better things are just around the corner; they tell me my butt is my best feature. I believe every word.
I lay low (for quite a while) and finally feel I am ready for a bit of fun. Sabrina picks me up and we head out for one of the many events she frequents.
“I have to be frank, I think you're being a bit self-indulgent with this "general malaise" of yours. Yes, your husband lost his company, you almost had to sell your home and you are left with nothing, but those are just things! They mean nothing! I think if you dug deep you would realize you have everything you need…right here.” Sabrina pats her chest with a heavily jeweled manicured hand. “Yes…absolutely. Right here.” I pat my own chest but a touch too enthusiastically and end up having a little coughing fit. Sabrina shirks away with a distasteful look and asks if it’s really necessary to be so dramatic. I say no and try to pull myself together before we reach the event.
We arrive and I feel quite grateful to Sabrina for allowing me to accompany her rather than her gay boyfriend who is her usual escort. I am reminded once again how useful a gay boyfriend would be to me. It would go a long way to helping me get over my general malaise. Plus the fact that Beloved is now working half the time in EUROPE (you know how excited I am at that !...not that he’s gone half the time…just that he’s working in EUROPE!) and I feel it would only make sense. It is not as easy as it seems though. First of all, most of the fabulous gay men are already taken by more social-y women who are younger, prettier and richer than I am. The ones that are left have families of their own and don’t want to be dragged all over creation entertaining some annoying socialite…or, you know, available woman with nothing better to do. As the photographer, who is trying to get a picture of Sabrina, gently moves me out of harm’s way of his lens I run down the list of possible candidates to be my gay boyfriend.
I am pretty sure Jose, our gardener, is gay and Rosee (our new housekeeper…I know!) concurs. He is SO nice and has worked wonders with our boxwoods, buuuut I’m having a hard time picturing him at an event like this. For one thing, he doesn’t seem wildly impressed with me despite my extremely courteous way of interacting with him. Secondly, and I mean this in no way disrespectfully, but he could stand to lose a pound or two. What is the point of having an over-weight gay boyfriend when it only serves to accentuate the few pounds I could stand to lose. If we’re going to go that route he would have to be fat, not just chubby, and even then he would have to wear a turban and have a super campy personality. Jose is just not that camp and I can’t imagine trying to convince him to wear a turban. This discourages me and reinforces what frankly I already knew, relationships are hard!
Now, lest you think, with all this talk of “housekeepers” and “gardeners” and “events” that I am somehow exaggerating our reversal of fortune, or insensitive to people with worse economic problems or a silly spoiled woman I will make a comprehensive list of everything I am grateful for forthwith:
- Beloved Husband who is smart and resilient
- Beloved Husband’s Business School Friend who kindly offers him a job in EUROPE (thrilling)
- My smart, funny and happy kids…too much here to write
- Gigi. Our Havanese puppy who can finally sleep with me without peeing in my bed (this is even more advantageous now that Beloved’s side of the bed is often free as he is working half the time in EUROPE)
- Rosee and Jose who work so hard and have turned into such dear friends. Well, not Jose so much. Really just Rosee. And maybe only because I pay her.
- EUROPE (yay!)
- My sister who lets me write about her alcoholism and drug abuse. A constant source of humorous anecdotes (I love you Kiki!)
- Barb, Micki, Wendy, Angelica, NY Girlfriend, Serena (what would I do without you all!)
And so much much more. Well, actually not that much more. For example you might notice missing from this comprehensive list is…A GAY BOYFRIEND!!!!
