I use to be a (relatively) normal person (eating issues aside), but once I had kids all hell broke loose. I was terrified I was not up to the job of caring for my little darlings. They were so tiny! So precious! My guilt and worry grew exponentially with every child I had. Everything seemed fraught with danger. I needed to be vigilant at all times! Out of the various afflictions I developed one of the more annoying ones was the tendency to see tragedy in everyday situations then putting it into newspaper headline format. Newspaper headlining could sneak up on me at any time. I was almost unaware I was doing it.
Last weekend Beloved and Youngest went off on their kindergarten Redwood camping trip. CAMPING TRIP ENDS IN TRAGEDY FOR FATHER AND SON. Frankly, I was excited to see them go, as I would have two less to deal with for the weekend. INEXPERIENCED FATHER AND DEFENSLESS CHILD PUSHED INTO RISKY CAMPING SITUATION BY SELF-CENTERED MOTHER. I thought maybe I would call Barb and we would have lunch and do a little shopping later. FATHER AND SON FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES WHILST MOTHER SPENDS MONEY WITH CARELESS ABANDON. Later in the evening Oldest said he would babysit Middle, so I decided to meet Micki for a glass of wine. MOTHER LEAVES CHILDREN UNATTENDED TO GO ON ALCOHOLIC BENDER. Once I start it’s almost impossible to stop.
I am nothing if not imaginative. If not newspaper headlining, I am hearing conversations of acquaintances discussing a terrible fate that has befallen our family. “They were always such a happy family…right up until the bitter end. Yes, I heard what happened. What a disaster. No, no warning whatsoever!” I usually end my fantasy with Beloved and me dying a horrible death leaving Oldest to deal with caring for his brothers alone and penniless (those gossipy acquaintances too busy butting into other people’s business to help the poor orphans.)
Conversationing usually happens when I am feeling particularly pleased with myself. You know, swanning about, neglectful of the danger around every corner. If it’s something particularly egregious I may newspaper headline and conversation at the same time. A friend once gave me a ride home from LA in her family’s private plane. NON-GREEN WOMAN PLUNGES TO HER DEATH IN PRIVATE PLANE THAT WASN’T EVEN HERS. “Well you know Miss Thang, (sometimes my conversationalists are inner-city gals) just haaad to get herself on that private plane. I guess she’s happy now. No more than she deserves…”
I don’t like to paint all mothers with my own crazy brush but empirical evidence tells me many mothers suffer from some version of this disorder. Even sensible Micki is not immune. When her son hit 8th grade and started going around on his own a bit more she became obsessed with the idea that he was going to be abducted. Never mind that in 8th grade her son was 6’ tall and 170 lbs. Barb and I tried to tell her that logistically it would be very difficult on 
an abductor. At the very least he would have to round up one or two more abductors to help him do the job, and even then it would be tricky for them to carry off a 6’ tall 170 lb. victim without anyone noticing. It didn’t matter. She still lay awake at night worrying about her little pumpkin.
Lest you think I am a crack-pot schizoid (well…I’m not a schizoid) I must say that the happier I and my family are the worse my imagined disasters are. It is not for me to explain why. I will leave that up to the professionals…and maybe the pharmaceutical companies. LOW-DOSE ZOLOFT PROVEN EFFECTIVE IN CURBING DELUSIONS OF ECCENTRIC HOUSEWIVES!
